EXCERPTS
Crushed by Crushes
by Tracy Jackson
God has designed us, male and female, to be attracted to one another. It’s natural. It’s normal. Yet, there is a sense in which you can take it too far. I know, you’re saying, “But I don’t date. I’ve never had a serious attachment to a boy.” I can identify with that statement. But, dear friends, please hear me in this: guard your heart. The heart is the most fragile thing about you. Easily can it be bruised and torn down, and it is impossible to build back up without the healing touch of the Father’s arms. But let me tell you my story.
I’d known Ben* for practically my whole life. Our mothers had met when the two of us were wee children. We’d grown up together, taken school classes together, run in the same general group of kids, attended the same friend’s birthday parties… the list can go on. I’d never really liked Ben a whole lot; as an eight year old he was caught tying my best friend’s shoelaces together. At age ten he put gum in another friend’s hair. I really disliked him as of that point. We’d never really been able to call the other a “friend,” but one day that changed.
On this particular summer day, my mom explained to me that Ben and his family were coming over for lunch. I thought nothing of it; they really didn’t come over to our house that often, but when they did it was always fun. As I said, I’d never really “liked” Ben, but was civil to him.
I was sitting at the computer when he walked in. Since it was summer, I hadn’t seen him since the end of the previous school year. At age twelve, I’d never really paid much attention to him. (Or any other guy, for that matter.J) At age thirteen, he was tall with wavy, dark brown hair. Dare I say that he looked almost… handsome? I smiled and said “hi,” trying to be friendly without showing what I felt. He exchanged greetings with me and then glanced at the computer screen. I was playing a game to amuse myself in which a little black ball bounces back and forth across the screen. “Oh, you’re playing Oxyd level 16! I’ve never made it that far!”
Thus, our friendship began. We found so many common interests besides that of Oxyd.J We both loved art, and science fiction. Really, in those first few weeks we found almost nothing that we didn’t have in common. Our “friendship” grew and grew; we shared everything. It was almost the same as having an older brother. We laughed and talked and shared everything with one another. I’ve been told that I looked and acted pretty relaxed all the while. Ben and I were “ever and only” good friends. But there was something deep within me that made sparks fly whenever he said, “Hey, Tracy!”
Could it be love? I kept my appearance cool, calm, and collected. But deep within myself, I knew that I was taking this relationship way too far. I giggled about him with my friends. Almost every page of my diary was scrawled with “Ben this” and “Ben that.” I wrote his name in block letters and curly letters and upside down. After a month of this “love,” I had everything picked out from the wedding colors to the names of the children. Of course, when you are twelve you really don’t know any better. But even so, my “scheming” was unrealistic, not based on fact, and most importantly, self-destructive.
At age fourteen, Ben and I were still inseparable buddies. At least, “buddies” is the term that best described us at outward appearance.J But in the middle of that year, our family moved across the state line. I was devastated to leave all of my friends, but especially Ben. We remained long-distance good friends, but the sad and lonely first year that I spent made me miss and want his companionship all the more. After my fifteenth birthday, my immature, early-adolescent feelings finally began to wear off. I began to see things as they really were. Yes, the two of us had (and still have) a lot in common. But I’ve learned to guard my heart. There were too many things about Ben and his family that would prevent me from ever entering into a serious relationship with him. At this realization, I was utterly hurt.
Though I had outwardly protected myself, I had utterly failed inwardly. I had made the commitment not to date. I had made the commitment to keep myself proper and ladylike around those of the opposite sex. So what was the problem? Inwardly, I gave him my heart. I gave him myself without even really realizing it. I threw my whole self into a fantasy which really doesn’t exist. It never will. You don’t have to “date” or lose your physical purity in order to be impure. All it takes is a lively imagination and a teenage girl to accomplish that. I don’t know what it’s like for you, but for me, it’s easy to remain physically pure. It’s easy to turn down invitations to a date. But it is not easy to simply “not think about” so-and-so. In this case, it was Ben. I had thrown my heart at absolutely nothing! I don’t even know if he ever knew that I cared for him so. If I had understood myself, I never would have “loved” Ben. As I was reflecting upon this and writing in my diary, I told myself never to “fall in love” with anyone else. It was too hard to “fall out of love.” I met many males of my own age within the next few months. I knew (er, thought) I would never “love” a guy again. It was too painful and definitely not worth it! I did a pretty good job of keeping myself calm and cool on the inside. That is, until I met Alex.
[End of excerpt]
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent J